Here are a few examples of Judge-Your-Neighbor-Worksheets filled out by various people in various situations. Notice how:
Embarressed by My Dad
The situation: We're sitting around the table in a restaurant. My dad is sitting beside me. My daughter and her friend are sitting opposite. They want another soft drink, but my dad thinks the soft drinks are too expensive. The moment that's most painful is just as he says, 'Soft drinks cost an arm and a leg.'
1. I am embarrassed by my dad because he says that soft drinks cost an arm and a leg.
2. I want my dad to shut up. I want my dad to stop embarrassing me.
3. My dad should put the expense in perspective, be true to his claim that he doesn't worry about money, not be so direct, enjoy this special moment, keep to the plan.
4. I need my dad to offer the children more soft drinks, to pay for the soft drinks without comment, to keep his thoughts to himself, enjoy himself.
5. My dad is stingy, inconsistent, embarrassing, disappointing.
6. I don't ever want to feel embarrassed by my dad again. I don't ever want to experience my dad being stingy again.
She Is So Unsure Of Herself
The situation: We're in a meeting. Bill asks Maria what she thinks would be the best solution. Maria looks scared and answers tentatively. The moment I'm working with is just as she says, 'I don't really know ...'
1. I am annoyed with Maria because she's so unsure of herself.
2. I want Maria to pull herself together. I want Maria to trust herself. I want Maria to speak with authority. I want Maria to dig down inside herself and find her answer.
3. Maria should be still. Make contact with herself. Wait for her response.
4. I need Maria to be more precise. I need Maria to take responsibility for herself. I need Maria to be more self-assured.
5. Maria is weak, a victim, insecure, irritating, easily overwhelmed, fragile.
6. I don't ever want to hear Maria be so tentative again.
Ann Isn't Giving In to My Charm
The situation: I'm sitting across from Ann at lunch. She's talking to a friend and I'm trying to start a conversation with them, but she's not interested. The most painful moment is when she gives me an unenthusiastic smile then turns her attention back to her friend.
1. I am feeling hurt by Ann, because she isn't giving in to my charm.
2. I want Ann to think I'm special. I want her attention. I want her respect.
3. Ann should notice me. Ann should be interested in me. Ann should see that I'm something special.
4. I need Ann to like me.
5. Ann is reserved and controlled.
6. I don't ever want to feel ignored by Ann again.
He Thinks He's Awasome
The situation: I'm sitting in my seat in the seminar room. A man comes in and walks around, trying to find a place to sit. The moment irritating me is when I see the conceited way he carries himself.
1. I am irritated by the man because he thinks he's awesome.
2. I want the man to stop thinking so highly of himself. To understand that we don't care. To behave normally.
3. The man should realize that indulging his ego doesn't help him. Let himself be imperfect. Lose control. Relax. Walk normally. Pay attention to what's actually going on inside him.
4. I need the man to walk normally. Stop trying to attract attention. Disappear.
5. The man is self-centered, attention-hogging, a smart-ass, lost in his ego, unintelligent.
6. I never want to be disturbed by his noisy attention-grabbing attitude again.
She Misunderstands What I'm Saying
The situation: I'm sitting with Lea in the living room. I've just told her how I'm feeling. She says it sounds like I'm just making it up. The moment I'm working with is when she says, 'It sounds like you're performing for an audience.'
1. I am feeling shock and disbelief towards Lea, because she is completely misunderstanding what I'm saying.
2. I want her to see me. I want her to understand me. I want her to respect me. I want her to like me. I want her to see the honesty of what I share. I want her to see what I present as genuine.
3. Lea should be more open to what I'm saying. She shouldn't jump to conclusions. She should keep an open mind. She should pay attention to me. She shouldn't let her own beliefs cloud her judgement.
4. I need her to realize that she's got it wrong.
5. Lea is distant, disappointing, wrong.
6. I don't ever want Lea to not respect me again. I don't ever want to be misunderstood by Lea again.
Neil doesn't understand me
The situation: It's evening. Neil and I are sitting in a cafe, talking. He keeps contradicting me and taking issue with what I say, and I realize that it's because he simply doesn't understand it. The most painful moment is just as I see his expression when he's looking down at the table (and I realize that he doesn't understand what I'm saying).
1. I am shocked by Neil because he doesn't understand me.
2. I want Neil to listen to me. I want him to be open to what I'm saying. I want him to understand what I'm saying. I want him to agree with me. I want him to stop being so stubborn. I want him to stop being so persistently stupid. I want him to be the Neil I know. I want him to see that I'm right. I want him to be the person I think he is.
3. Neil should be open towards me. He should listen to me. He should make a bigger effort. He should see that I'm right. He shouldn't fight me on something that's so obviously right. He should consider what I'm saying. He should be still, turn his attention inwards and examine himself honestly. He should let go of his intellect. He should let go of what he knows and look at the world with his own eyes. He should try it. He should listen to what I'm saying instead of just searching for counterarguments.
4. I need Neil to live up to my expectations. I need him to be the person I think he is. I need him to listen. I need him to agree with me. I need him to be on my side. I need him to be someone I can rely on. I need him to respect me.
5. Neil is limited in his intellectual capacity, stubborn, incapable of understanding me. He thinks he's right. He's stupid. He can't see his own limitations. He's much too sure of himself about this.
6. I don't ever want to experience being trapped in this kind of conflict with Neil again. I don't ever want to experience him not being able to see what I see. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to get trapped in a discussion where I can't let go, where I can't just accept that he disagrees.
She Thinks My Question is Stupid
The situation: We're sitting around the table at the department meeting. Louise has just set out her plan. I ask a question, and she begins her response with, 'Yes, as I've just explained ...'. That is the moment that hurts the most.
1. I am defensive towards Louise because she thinks my question is stupid.
2. I want Louise to say it's an excellent question. I want Louise to answer my question. I want Louise to stop criticizing me. I want Louise to appreciate my question. I want Louise to make me feel okay about asking. I want Louise to take the time to give me a serious answer. I want Louise to not blow me off.
3. Louise should listen more attentively to what I'm asking. She shouldn't criticize me in front of the others. She should take me more seriously.
4. I need Louise to love me. I need Louise to think that I've done nothing wrong. I need Louise to understand why I'm asking. I need Louise to make me feel good about asking. I need her to let me know it's ok.
5. Louise is harsh, judgemental, doesn't say what she really means, critical, an authority, disappointing.
6. I don't ever want to be criticized by Louise again. I don't ever want to feel that Louise thinks I've done something wrong. I don't ever want to experience Louise making me feel guilty and ashamed.
Look at How Fat You Are
The situation: I'm sixteen years old. I'm standing in my room with my mother, looking at myself in the mirror. My mother says, 'Look at how fat you are!'
1. I am feeling devastated by my mother because she’s insulting me.
2. I want her to stop telling me that I look terrible, I want her to stop telling me that there is something wrong with me. I want her to stop criticizing me, to back off, to leave the room. I want her to stop hurting me.
3. My mother should take a deep breath, she should look at me, she should see how hurt I am (by her words), she should recognize that (the way she speaks to me) is not helpful, she should remember my efforts to lose weight, she should speak kindly to me, she should tell me that she wants to help me.
4. I need my mother to be kind to me, to be my friend, to sit with me, to help me find a solution, to be on my side, to acknowledge me, to show me that she cares for me.
5. My mother is insulting, cruel, unconscious, sharp, hurtful, criticizing, aggressive, attacking, panicking, helpless, devastating, inconsiderate, not a proper mother.
6. I don't ever want to experience being devastated by my mother again.
Feeling in The Wrong
The situation: I'm seven years old and being looked after by my aunt and uncle. I'm playing with the curtains in their living room. When my aunt comes downstairs and sees me, she says in a tired way that I'm not allowed to mess around with the curtains. The painful moment is when I hear the tired/dismissive tone of her voice.
1. I am feeling completely in the wrong because of my aunt, because she thinks I'm irritating.
2. I want my aunt to give me permission to be who I am. I want her to love me as I am. I don't want her to always think I'm doing something wrong.
3. She should be more open, more curious, more accommodating. She shouldn't judge me, shouldn't be so judgmental. She should see that I'm doing my best. She should remember that I don't know their rules and routines.
4. I need her to show me she thinks I'm ok. I need her to be more open towards me.
5. My aunt is narrow-minded, insensitive, restricted, out of touch with her feelings, doesn't understand children.
6. I don't ever want to feel that I'm the one who needs to change because my aunt doesn't get me.